Why do I get so easily flustered and frustrated? Who the hell knows 'cause I really have no idea.
The latest source of my frustration is rooted in my feelings for a boy (men...*grumble*). His name is Chris. I've never had a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk and he probably has no idea I exist besides the girl that wishes him "Happy Birthday" or "Have a great game tonight" on his Facebook page. He is also a varsity athlete and is actually damn good (whenever they let him play) at his game.
Confession: I've actually liked Chris since maybe November of 2009 but I let my friends think I liked one of his teammates (who shall go unnamed for the moment). This belief was perpetuated by a slightly sexual dream featuring said teammate, which I shared with my friends the next day. Apparently I ruined swimming for my dear friends for a few months because of the details of that dream (suck it!). Granted my obvious love for those of Swedish origin has been duly noted multiple times on this blog as well as verbally, however this teammate (who is Swedish) did not catch my fancy as much as my friends may have thought. And for a while denying Chris' growing place in my mind and making fun of him for his apparent love of pussies (the feline kind, thank you) and annoyance at his teammates love of photostalking him (and subsequently using his old profile pictures as their own, much to the amusement of my friends and myself) helped me detach a little from him and what I thought about him.
The dark side (insert Darth Vader joke here): Everyone I meet that knows Chris, says something related to him being an asshole and/or a douchebag. I'm sure that there is some truth to this but honestly if it is true then I REALLY DON'T CARE and I know I should but I just don't. He's a really good athlete and has a right to be somewhat arrogant. Yes I know that this will start the debate as to why athletes always think they're such hot shit yaddayaddadoodah but for some reason when it comes to Chris I don't care. I've also had to deal with people (ie my friends) jokingly calling him "the Collegetown creeper" or "Creeper Chris" because somehow they've deduced that he "just looks like he would be a creeper." I don't know what that means since in my opinion he's quite an attractive man. I have no idea how they reached this conclusion but I honestly would love to know. An explanation would be nice.
The Line: I would like to think that I've dealt with all of the jokes about Chris quite well...up until this point. This is the real reason behind this blog post. Somewhere, a line was crossed. All of the jokes started to get me second guessing and severely impacted my self esteem during my weak periods. I started wondering if maybe the only guys I could attract or be attracted to were creeps. I began to think that maybe it would just be best to become asexual and completely forget about Chris. It didn't work. In fact, Chris helped expedite my plan's failure when he suddenly decided to appear all over my news feed on Facebook and appear everywhere I was with my friends, even showing up to dinner in the oddest places. Every time I thought he'll definitely won't be somewhere was always the time he would show up.
Don't drop the "L" bomb: No I do not love him. I cannot love someone I do not know. I simply would like to get to know him better. Too bad I don't have the guts to even say hi offline. Hell, I can't even say hi on Facebook chat. What kind of bs is that? I'm a coward plain and simple. And until now I've settled for the quick glances across a dining hall (awkward eye contact much?) and now I wonder what to do about all of this "noise" going on in my mind.
The Twisting of the Knife: Not only does Chris barely know who I am (he probably knows my face, my name however is not likely to be in his vocabulary) but he seems to prefer one of my friends altogether. Yes, he'll wave like a goof and say hi to her but nothing for me the girl who happens to like him enough that she spent 30 minutes defending him and his ability to play (as well as his behavior) to drunken frat brothers. Nope not a damn thing for me.
The sensible thing here would be to move on and forget about him.
I however, appear to have lost my ability to be sensible.
If I did move on I would be left with so many what if's. I don't want that, I just want coffee at CTB on a lazy Sunday morning. Too much to ask?
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